It’s Saturday 20th December 2014 , I had slept with my shutters closed so it must’ve been like 11. For the past 10 months I had spent most mornings having 5 minutes to spare after 5 hours sleep (I use the term sleep loosely as that’s more of a nap) feeling grouchy and apprehensive for the day. This was the beginning of laying in, painting my nails and wearing lipstick. 
Starting life as an au pair was going to be a challenge and very different from the 60hour weeks I had been used too. I had left my friends and family and mental anguish and anxiety back home. And I was going to live and learn to be happy again. This is where the cliche “new year new me” bollocks comes in.
I had told myself I was going to make myself a genuinely sass no shit taking bitch , what ive actually realised is Im happy when there no one to be sassy to, for now.
So I wanted to be like this 
But accidentally became this , 
just a fatter and hairier version. That’s what being in a foreign country where you can litterally eat everything does to you.
I could bombard this with so many pictures of fat cats but that’s what instagrams for, ok maybe one more..
The point is when on a personal endeavour it’s sometimes can be difficult to have faith in yourself or to even understand your own thought process , that is probably what I found hard my brain is very odd, but when you try different routes and reach that peak where you can genuinely say the solo route works for you that is an amazing feeling.
When you don’t need to be a bitch (even though putting arrogant males in their place is very fun) when you feel like there is a level ground that you have with yourself, you can just metaphorically float through life on your stream of positivity you know you’re not the suicidal self loathing you, you where last year or even 3 months ago and that you’re growing into an individual who lives for life.
Because everyone deserves to love life. Everyone
Statistics regarding mental health are insane (pardon the pun) it’s not a gender specific alement. It’s not something only certain people within society can “develop”. You can be rich or poor and be sad.
There are triggers and they can be litterally anything ; but don’t beat yourself for it. My mum opened my curtains and I cried for 4 hours. Have a sad day in bed day embrace the sadness then wake up tomorrow, smelling of grosse bodily fluids from places that shouldn’t smell so bad that your own breath makes you gagg and tell yourself it’s time to be happy.
Coming to the end of that smelly sweaty crusty hungry dehydrated week ,month maybe year ; you will feel so happy to be there and you will get there.
Cliche part (get a sick bag ready) you’ll notice even the sun looks different , you’ll enjoy really small things that yesterday were boring and meant nout. That’s the magic part waking up mentally to realise amongst all the awful horrible shit there is actually some beauty just waiting for you’re eyes and mind. 
aishagregory1215 